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PhilKwon81
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Name: Phil
Birthday: 4/18/1981
Gender: Male
Interests: music is my lifeline, sports keep me relatively healthy. writing keeps me sane and my faith keeps me alive. movies keep me from boredom and poker keeps me from poverty(some of the time).
Expertise: making mistakes and recovering from them.
Occupation: Executive
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message me
AIM:  philkwon81
Member Since:
11/25/2002
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| It's really hard to describe exactly what I feel right now. It pains me as a writer to admit such a thing. Adjectives fail me. The proper prepositional phrases elude every incomplete thought that desperately seeks a resolution. And yet, I feel as though I am the most complete version of me that I have ever been. The irony is that, after waiting for so long to get to where I am now, I feel that there are not enough words that I could muster to form anything close to a proper Xanga post. I will try my best, however, to whet your appetite.
Tonight was the exact 1 year anniversary for K and I. It was this day last year that both of us took a chance on each other, despite unfavorable circumstances. It seemed that what we could not deny, in spite of all rationale and logic, was that we were better together than we were apart. I, a lonely bachelor needing nothing out of life but the love of a good woman's heart; her, a blossoming young woman that needed proof that the love she believed she deserved really existed, that it could be given to her by the man that she dreamily longed for. To date, I believe each of us has never regretted the leap of faith we took. In fact, I would say that both of us would vehemently regret not having taken the chance at all. "If you never try, you never know."
It really is quite astounding to think of how much we've actually grown together in the past year. What's even more surprising is how natural everything really feels. Each milestone that we've reached (that most couples mark in their romantic checklist) never felt forced or rushed in any way. We kind of let things progress as we felt they should. You could say we let love take the wheel. And really, the only challenge for me has been to prove to myself that I could love her more than I ever thought possible. If you've never read any of my posts, here is what I mean by "love" itself:
True love is when a person can put another's happyness before their own. It is impossible to give this kind of love, to live this kind of love perfectly, unfortunately. But what I believe is that the effort to do this should supercede any life challenge that a person can take on. Love, then, is a choice. It is not an emotion or a feeling, it is an ability. If you're not making the effort on a daily basis to love that person even more than you did the day before, then what are you really doing? You're complacent, quite honestly, and I don't believe love looks favorably on the apathetic.
That was more than just a short definition. I digress...
What I meant to say is that I try to do this for K every day. I don't let myself settle for what I have been able to do for her or give to her. Each new day is an opportunity for me to love her even more. I pray that desire and the motivation to do so never burns out. We've kept a steady flame this past year. We've never had an argument, not even a tiny little one. I think we can attribute this fact to the strength of our communication and willingness to try to understand where the other is coming from. So much of life hinges on perspective and, while I see K's very clearly, there are always angles that I can take to see her more clearly. We've gotten frustrated with each other a few times, but I'm not surprised that we've easily overcome those obstacles. We are truly lucky to have each other.
I think my favorite thing about K is that all that truly matters is that we're with each other. As long as she is next to me my life is in order. I don't care what we do or where we go. There won't be any historical monuments erected in our honor, but we cherish what we have and never take it for granted. You might be shocked to hear me confess that K doesn't complete me. I've never liked that idea. I think that every single human being can be completely whole on their own. I believe we should strive to be. I spent quite a few years molding myself into a man that would deserve the love of a good woman's heart and I take pride in the fact that I took upon myself to do so. I am as whole as can be. What K does for me is simply make everything better. My meals taste better, music sounds better, a walk seems more enjoyable, writing is no longer out of angst or sorrow. Some people might argue that what I just wholly embodies the idea of being completed. I disagree. It might sound a little egotistical for me to say this, but I really believe that I would be fine on my own. If K and I had never dated, if we had never crossed paths several years ago, if we had never reunited, I would still be living the same life that I am living now. Like I said, she simply makes everything better. For me, that will always be enough.
Looking forward, I wonder what kind of ups and downs we'll have to enjoy and endure. I'm fully confident that there's nothing we can't overcome. I actually can't wait to experience all that life has to throw our way. And the more and more that I look into that magic crystal ball, the more and more I see K filling out the empty spaces. I can only hope that, before I know it, I won't be able to see a future without her. Well, if that day comes (and I cannot stress how much I want that day to come), you can be sure that she will get the best damn engagement ring the world can buy. I already know exactly what it will look like and what it will be comprised of. I'll bring a bottle of single malt scotch to her father, let him know my intentions, and then take her to the place where we first walked as a man and a woman and not just two friends or acquaintances, and I'll get down on one knee and tell her the words she already knows I'll say:
"K, I love you. There's nothing more that I want than to spend the rest of my life proving this to you. You make me want to be a better man. Now, make me the luckiest man in the world and tell me that you'll spend the rest of your life doing the same for me. Will you marry me?"
Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm a realist. I know that a lot can happen, that a lot can change. But I can honestly tell you that I won't regret a thing if K and I never get to that point. Seriously. This has been the best year of my life and I have her to thank for that.
I used to write letters to my future wife. Once I met K, it kind of seemed pointless. Maybe I'll start writing them again, who knows? What I do know is that I'll tell K the same thing tonight, before she goes to bed, that I signed off with in those letters:
"I love you now, forever, and always.
ME"
Good night, Xanga world.
As always, I am wishing you well.
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| She was naked, lying still on top of her bed, numb to everything but the one thing that weighed heavily on her heart and simultaneously drove her mind insane. The plushness of the goose down comforter and pillows -- all draped in sheets, shams, and a duvet that boasted thread counts well above the one thousand mark--did not bring her any consolation. She had been there for hours. Were anyone to walk in on her, it would be hard to tell whether or not they would panic for fear that Lucille had expired, or whether they would simply admire the absolute exquisite condition that her body was in. She was 40 years old. The last thing that she could remember was feeling so burdened, so lost, so completely empty and exposed, that the only thing she could do, the only thing she had control over, was exactly how much of herself she would expose to the world. So, in what resembled a five year old's temper tantrum, she threw her clothes off in a fit and frenzy onto the ground in any which direction that suited her. It didn't really matter. Nothing mattered to her at that moment except the only thing that should have mattered.
"How did I get here?"
It was a simple question that she had no answer to, a chain of events that begged to be explained in careful detail. Though, if she were able, she could have answered her own question with quiet precision because no one else knew the story better than she did. It would come to be that, of the two years that spanned from June of 2007 to October of 2009, Lucille's perception of those two years would change, sometimes slightly and sometimes drastically, in the next fifteen years that would follow.
"Oh my God! My babies. He took my babies!"
Awkward. She was so wracked with pain, wanting so badly for the tears to come and for her heaving sobs to find release that would never come. How fitting that, in her darkest hour, Lucille could not even bring herself to cry. It would seem that she could do nothing right...
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| I've been wanting to write this post for quite some time. But time, it seems, is the one thing that I haven't had a whole lot of lately. I suppose I should clarify, because I have just as much time as anyone else, but time to do the things I love...not so much. Alas, here I am. While it is true that I have been very busy for the past few months, I am sad to report that there haven't been many new developments in my life. Days bleed into one another and I am in constant fear of not being able to catch up with or keep pace with life and the speed at which it travels. I cannot believe that is almost September. Fall is upon us, a season that I love with undying faithfulness. There are many reasons to list, yes, but the newest and most important one is the fact that I began to fall in love with K last November the 19th, the day that we officially chose to be exclusive with one another (check it on Facebook....totally official).
It has been just over 9 months now and I am finding it hard to remember just exactly how I got by without her in my life. I have learned much about women, about relationships, and of course, about love. I wondered if my preconceived notions about love, relationships, and women would be tested or validated as each day passed by. What I have to report to you is nothing out of the ordinary, but time has revealed to me that perspective is what makes things profound and meaningful. So, I gladly share mine with you.
Relationships test your ability to give and receive love. Of that I am completely and thoroughly convinced. I don't mean to say that we are meant to test the people we are in relationships, but by our very human nature we push our own boundaries and those of the people we do love. I don't think this to be a purposeful occurrence, but an inescapable one. Love is the exact opposite of self-preservation (by my own definition of love, which is the ability of a person to put another's happyness above their own). To give it perfectly is impossible. So, the struggle that we face when we are in relationships is the reconciliation of our own desires with those of our counterparts. How can I get what I want while still keeping her happy? Whose hopes, wants, and needs are more important? And who or whom is to be the judge of such things? I can't give you an answer to those questions. What I can tell you is this: when my relationship with K tests my ability to love her, I welcome the challenge. I am truly grateful for those moments when I have to make a conscious decision to give her love, especially when it isn't easy. One of the greatest things that K has taught me is that my capacity for giving love is far beyond any measure that I could have imagined. I know myself very well and have always considered myself a very self aware person. I am stubborn, selfish, and sometimes even lazy. I tend to dwell within the confines of my own head and heart, rarely emoting or gushing my feelings openly. The world of Xanga has been the most wealthy benefactor because of this. Most of what I share here is what I dare not share publicly in "real" life. And knowing this about me made me wonder how a person like K, an almost exact opposite personality type, would manage my qualities. Well, she doesn't manage my qualities or me at all. She completely accepts me for who I am. She gets frustrated, I can tell, but she also allows me to open up to her on my accord. And this is where I find great satisfaction. K challenges me because I know that loving her means that I need to share with her, not because I owe her anything but because I understand that our relationship benefits from it. It makes her happy. Each moment that follows only gets better. I feel closer to her. I love her even more and her happyness means more to me than it ever did before.
When I reflect upon the past nine months with K, I can't help but smile and feel more alive. "The best kind of love is the kind that awakens the soul..." This is not a hollywood, hot pink, bubblegum, kind of love. This is a late night conversation when all I want to is sleep kind of love. This is a Sunday evening dinner with her family and feeling completely at home kind of love. This is a do nothing on Friday afternoon because, as long as she's with me, it's something kind of love. This is an "I hurt when she hurts" kind of love. This is a one kiss is never enough kind of love. And lastly, this is the kind of love that I have been waiting my whole entire life for. There's not a day that goes by that I don't feel lucky.
Sometimes love can seem to be too good to be true, and sometimes love can be no good at all until you make it true.
I now belong to the former crowd because I was once the latter.
Take care, everybody. Stay cool.
And, as always, I am wishing you well.
P
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| I will be brief, because sometimes even words can sully up a great idea:
Let love win.
What good does it do to add more negativity to our lives?
Yesterday is gone. You live, you learn.
Let love win.
Then, tomorrow is simply a victory dance.
LET LOVE WIN.
That is all.
P
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| Is it really July already? I am incredulous. Where does the time go? Life is moving at a torrid pace and I am trying my best to keep up. I suppose it has been a while since I've last updated. Here's what I've been up to:
- took over one of my parents' Kumon centers. Yeap. I'm the official owner, now. I'm still getting used to the title, especially when I meet new parents and students or when I'm "networking" with other people. It's kind of a hassle to carry around a wad of business cards in my pocket but I'm embracing each challenge that I am faced with (and believe me, there are PLENTY of challenges that I never saw coming) and doing my best to stay afloat. Luckily, the business is thriving and it's keeping me busy. I'm just hoping I don't mess things up!
- K and I are better than ever. It's been interesting to take a step back and look at how we've grown as individual people and as a couple in the last 7 months. We've definitely evolved. I realize more than ever that a relationship is something you have to nurture. I try my best to love that woman as best as I can on a daily basis. It really has been great.
- I've traveled a lot because of business this year. I've been to New Jersey twice, Aruba, and I'm visiting Vancouver in mid July (holy cow, that's in less than two weeks!). I really wish I had the chance to take time out for myself and go on a real vacation, but I guess that's part of the sacrifice I have to make in building up my business. I know that hard work pays off, so I'm more than willing to do the hard work. I just want my luggage to be filled with shorts and t-shirts instead of slacks and button ups. Stuff always gets wrinkled and living out of a suitcase is really inconvenient. Hats off to anyone who lives on the road.
- K and I have realized that's it's equally important for us to nurture our individual selves. Our relationship is healthy when we're healthy. So, we've made a concerted effort to take time out for ourselves to enjoy the things we love to do on our own. For me, that means I'll have a guitar in my hands, I'll be out with my friends, I'll be at the gym, or I'll be writing. I've been able to keep up with three out of the four. The gym, unfortunately, is just too depressing for me at the end of a 14 hour day. I don't have the energy to engage in a vomit-inducing workout like I usually do. I just don't know how to "take it easy" in the gym. I've always been the type to push myself, leaving sweat-soaked and depleted. Thus, my summer body isn't what I wanted it to be. But I'm happy. Haha. I've also been able to work on a few stories that have been placed on the backburner for the last few years. It feels really great to re-connect with the characters that I was so passionate about building. I have three or four going and I really want them all to be published one day, so I'm putting extra care into getting them done just the way I want. I pour over every page and scrutinize every word. It slows down the process a lot but it also keeps everything very fresh in my mind. I'm excited to see how long I can keep this up for.
- I think one perk of taking over my Kumon center that I almost completely forgot about was the fact that I make more money...a significant amount more, to be vaguely precise. It's very nice not to have to worry about paying bills on time or counting pennies when it comes to eating out. I've definitely bought a few things: a new imac, a new guitar amp (a two-rock jet 22. it sounds amazing), guitar gear, guitars, a crapload of new clothes and shoes/sneakers, and I'm even considering purchasing my dream car that I've wanted since I was in middle school (an early 70's cheverolet corvette stingray with a t-top, white wall tires, chrome accents, and black paint job). This is the kind of car you take out on a Sunday cruise when it's sunny out and you have nowhere to go. I know it seems like I'm bragging, and perhaps I am, but I've also realized that money just buys things. These things make me feel good about working hard, but I was also able to help someone out in a meaningful way as well. This person (who shall remain unnamed) really wanted to go on a medical missions trip but didn't have the necessary funds to do so. It was a significant amount but I knew that I could help them out. So, I did. It felt really good to be able to do so because I knew that this person wanted to go so badly. When I was a broke college student, there were people who helped me along the way and this was my way of perpetuating the "pay it forward" ideal. It felt really great and I think I'm going to actively seek out ways to help other people as well. This is my way of giving love back to the world. What a privilege.
I think that covers most of the bases. This wasn't very poetic. In fact, I'd say this just sums up the last two months worth of facebook status updates that I posted but I just wanted to let Xanga world know what I was up to. I've been well. Take care, everyone. I'm rooting for you.
And, as always, I am wishing you well.
Sincerely,
Me
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